How to Feel Empowered (Not Defeated) By New Year’s Resolutions as the Calendar Turns to February

Something has occurred to me about the cycle so many of us experience as we transition into the New Year. While there is a range of experiences people have moving through the holidays, there is one typical, shared experience: setting New Year’s resolutions. As we approach February, this is an ideal time to revisit this process with the goal of holding onto any change that you have been able to make, even if it you haven’t been able to stick to your resolutions 100%.

These are, of course, set with the best of intentions. As the calendar presents the marker of new possibility that is the start of the new year, people seize the opportunity to make resolutions to change. I experience these as being about empowerment; they are a plan to express one’s agency, truly wanting to improve their lives. This is a challenging task, as we all know. Change doesn’t come easily for complex reasons: fear of the unknown, change being turbulent, resisting change because “the devil that you know being better than the one that you don’t”, and fear of failure, to name a few. An exploration of each of these could be a post of their own - maybe for another day.

Creating change is a complex process with many stages that build upon one another over time.

The approach that has most frequently been used historically is willpower. The evidence is now clear that this does not work. People would have been successful in following through on their resolutions if it did. In this model, people launch off at the New Year in pursuit of their desired changes only to fail within a few weeks or, at best, months. They are then left with feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, and perhaps most damaging, the errant belief that they are powerless to change their lives in the way they want. This then reinforces the cycle leading to another year of resolutions and failure. If ever a pattern could wear down a person’s hopefulness this is one.

There is another approach, one drawn from the wisdom traditions of the world. Be intentional, not resolute. It is a three-step process:

1. Set your intentions.

2. Put your attention on your intentions.

and the key….

3. Let go of your attachment to the outcome.

It is the attachment to a specific, desired outcome that so often leads to suffering. If you are rigidly attached to the success of the resolution, it introduces the pressure of needing to accomplish it. This pressure becomes an obstacle to accomplishing your resolution. Instead of force, use the more effective tools of curiosity, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

Practicing non-attachment to the outcome of your intentions releases the desire to control.

We all do what we do for very good reasons psychologically, though we often are not aware of those reasons. The pattern that you are trying to change is there for good reasons, usually as a strategy to address unrecognized, distressing feelings. Without understanding those reasons, you are likely doomed to fail. When force is used, in this case, willpower, things often wind up broken. Here, what can be broken is your spirit, hope, and joy for life. Instead, become curious about the pattern. What needs is it currently be meeting? What feelings is it trying to address? What are the healthy aspects of the pattern? (Almost nothing in life is all good or all bad.) What are the unhealthy aspects of the pattern, i.e. how is it contributing to your overall suffering?

As humans, our typical automatic thinking is regularly critical of and cruel towards oneself. A very effective approach is mindfulness, defined as, “having an open curious stance towards the events unfolding within and without”. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/mindfulness .) Open and curious rather than critical and judgmental. If you believe your critical inner voice, you will experience distressing feelings of anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, and inadequacy, leading you to turn away from the pursuit of your intention to avoid these feelings. Distressing feelings that are the primary obstacle to change in many ways, not the specific pattern or thing you are trying to change.

Mindfully attending to your intentions is a vastly more powerful approach than using will power to follow through on your new year’s resolutions. To supercharge the effectiveness of this use self-compassion. Self-compassion is often confused with self-pity, but it is vastly different. (See my links page https://www.drjonslaughter.com/links for Dr. Kristen Neff’s website to learn more.) Rather than allowing your mind to judge and criticize you, be kind to yourself. Recognize that life is challenging and that’s why you may not be able to change everything you want. Remember that you are doing the best that you can.

The possibility I propose to feel empowered as the calendar moves away from the start of the new year is:

1. Let go of the attachment to the outcome of your resolutions and hold onto the empowerment.

2. Reconnect with your intentions even if you haven't been able to keep up with them perfectly.

3. Live intentionally, kindly, compassionately.

Change takes time. Let your evolution unfold with self-compassion and non-judgment.